I rely on my parents a lot. Not to do things for me (although they do a lot of that too), but to help me make decisions. It is not that my parents tell me what to do – quite the opposite in fact. They let me talk things out and come to my own conclusions. My mom has told me that her and my dad did not raise me to do what they want, that it is not their life, but raised me to set my own path and make choices that reflect my life.
Today I am not even going to check in with either of my parents. I am just going to take a step forward and then see how things go. I think that they will be a little surprised but I know I can do this and they will support me either way. I know I am already an adult but even adults need their parents advice sometimes and it’s nice to know that they are willing to give it.
Whoaaaaa 2 years of blogging! I am actually surprised that this little project has lasted so long… I was thinking that it would be a short-lived thing that I would forget about, potentially forget my password, or later delete it if I remembered about it at all. But, not the case. I am at it in fits and spurts, but it still lives on. My little blog is growing up! So, as it seems to be tradition, I will write some goals about what I want to do in the coming year and reflect on the goals that I have set in previous years of blogdom. First, a little refresher, a trip down memory lane, a look back at goals that past Erica set… let’s see…
Erica – February 2013
1. I am trying to be motivated to accomplish tasks
2. I am working at making friendships
3. I want to fuel my body with healthier things – this includes food, socializing, exercising, school, reading, and music. It all affects me and I want it to be positive, growth inducing content.
4. I am trying out a daily yoga challenge. Not an official challenge, just a challenge to myself. Even 5 minutes a day will count. Even if it is just shavasana — meditation is important.
Erica – February 2014
1. Maintain the progress I have made so far, embrace the new stuff, and continue to say ‘Fuck It.’ I have things I want to do and things I want to try. I won’t let my fear of inadequacy stop me from giving it a go. Confidence is key. And, as Nike says… you just gotta do it.
2. Play more music. Singing, guitar-ing, ukulele-ing, harmonica-ing, and maybe piano-ing. Just be creative in the musical realm.
3. Face some fears. This is similar to the ‘Fuck It’ mentality, but to me it is a different level. I’ll make a post dedicated to this at some point, but for now, it is enough to think about it at a general level.
4. Yoga. 30 days. I’ll leave it at that.
Well, I had a successful year. I would say the best year to date. I am thinking that I worked on all my goals for the most part. I think that I am continually making progress in the confidence and just going for what I want to do and letting go of the fear of inadequacy. This is something that I am always going to be working on, as I think that most people are. I think that there is always room for working on this aspect of myself and I am embracing that. I am on a journey. I definitely played more music, I don’t think I really got a lot better at any of it but I enjoyed every moment of it. I am working on getting better at the technical aspect at a very slow pace and I am good with that. I am just living a music loving and appreciating life and moving forward as I go. I am sure I faced some fears but I did not document such things… I did not even acknowledge what my fears are… well, there is always another day for that. Or not. Who knows. And the 2 year goal of a 30 day yoga challenge… I still did not achieve it. Buuuut I did do a yoga challenge that I won! I challenged my boyfriend to see who could do the most yoga in 30 days, and I did… 19 I think… or something like that. Anyways, I won and my prize was a really wicked burgundy toque (He knows me pretty well)! So I am counting that as the goal achieved. Checking it off the list! Oh ya! So, life is something that I think we all try to get better at as we go, but really, I am not trying to have more, do more, or really have a better life. I have a great life. I have more than I could want and I don’t think that I am going to be able to achieve more or get more or anything like that. I think that that mindset is what leads to mass consumption and a feeling of inadequacy. I have everything I need and more. I am just working at harnessing what I have and improving my wellbeing in all ways. I am trying not to look at life as a race with a prize at the finishline for those who can work hardest, get luckiest, or find opportunities to be better than others or themselves for that matter – I am looking at it more as a moment that I am in and a pathway that leads to more pathways. I am looking for appreciation and the more I look for it, the more I find it. Erica – February 2015
1. Keep up with journalling. I journal outside of the blog format in order to calm my mind and reflect on challenges and triumphs.
2. Clean/organize all my crafting stuff… We moved last September and my crafting stuff is a disaster! Gotta get it together, gotta make room for more crafting, gotta inventory my stuff to then make more crafts…
3. Finish the one embroidery project I started, it’s for my grandma.
4. Talk to my brother more. I love him.
I feel that these goals reflect where I am in life. They are focusing more on my mental health and my feeling of comfort and home. I am really looking forward to this next year. I am healthier than I have ever been and have a support system of great people around me. I am happy.
I am having a hard time feeling healthy lately.
It started when I got kidney stones, or what they thought was kidney stones, about 3 weeks ago. This painful situation lead to an even more unfortunate event for my health… a kidney infection… which then lead to sepsis. It was like dominos. I was forced into survival mode to heal (with the help of medical interventions, people caring for me, and a lot of worry) and I think I am still feeling that survival based need. I am eating whatever I can, whenever I can, even when I am not hungry. I think because I was unable to eat for about 5 days and when I could I was told to eat what I could when possible, no matter what it was really (within reason, of course) to fuel my recovery. The second part to my feeling of lack of health is sleep. I have been sleeping whenever I can for as long as I can. Again, that is due to needing to sleep in order to heal but not reigning it in once I recovered. Third, exercise. I have not done that since I got sick.
I am feeling blob-like and in need of a re-evaluation of what getting healthy means. It is no longer survival, it is learning to re-evaluate survival means for my current situation. To maintain my health and my recovery, I need to do a few things. Why not a list…
1. Drink water, a lot
2. Eat when hungry
3. Eat a balance of food that is fuel, not filth
4. Move my body
4. Sleep as needed, not as desired and not as a way to spend time… oops
5. Take time to keep my mind balanced and healthy
I know I am not the only one who is more than enamoured with Sons of Anarchy, but… yes. I finished the series and felt like people that I knew were no longer stopping by to tell me about their lives. I love the themes of good versus evil, redemption, revenge, and what being family means. It may seem like a stretch for a middle class girl to see parallels to a motorcycle gang, but the underlying messages are very clear in their similarities to my life. I have, (embarrassingly? No, I am really not embarrassed…) begun watching the series again. I just…. love it. And I am a rewatcher. I rewatch movies I love, and now apparently tv shows.